Three to five percent of the U.S. population is in treatment for sexual compulsion related issues. Whether it is the man who is having an affair with his secretary or his wife’s best friend, the man who sneaks upstairs in the middle of the night to watch pornography, the man who is caught in compulsive and destructive affairs or one-night stands, or the man who seeks out men with whom to have brief sexual encounters, the urge behind these behaviors is often something else, something that is wanting to get into consciousness, some unlived life that is longing to be lived, some part of us that longs for recognition, acceptance, integration, and yes, even love. These parts can get projected onto other people, onto our fantasies and sometimes compulsive and destructive behaviors in an attempt to get into live, to be lived.

Compulsive and destructive sexual behaviors are often fueled by erotic fantasies. Like dreams, erotic fantasies are symbolic products of the unconscious that point to something unknown, to a development still called for and a meaning yet unrealized. Therefore, the images arising in a man’s primary erotic fantasies can be understood as symbols of what may be lacking in his psycho-social-sexual-spiritual development. Contents missing from consciousness and required for wholeness of the personality will often appear in accentuated form in the unconscious, making themselves known through a dream, a spontaneous fantasy, or some other powerful affect (Jung, CW8, 159-234).

Most human thought and behavior are symbolic rather than literal. Literal truth never frees a man from his bondage to his senses. It only shows him what he is and that he cannot be otherwise. Symbolic truth, on the other hand, frees the libido and offers it a new level of understanding, forming it into a spiritual form. The symbol moves the energy from one realm to another.

Carl Jung asserts that the psyche is a self-regulatory system consisting of consciousness and the unconscious (Jung, CW8). As such, it contains an autonomous tendency and fundamental drive toward wholeness and healing independent of, but not unrelated to, the conscious ego and has a tendency to balance itself through the compensatory function of the unconscious (Jung, CW8, 159-234).  The tension between these two poles—conscious and unconscious—generates the energy for life. The masculine and feminine can also be understood as two poles in the polarity of being that are intrinsic to wholeness. This masculine-feminine polarity is not only experienced in outer relationships between two people but also in one’s experience of oneself as a primary vehicle for achieving wholeness. By masculine and feminine I do not mean male and female or man and woman but am referring to them as systems of energy that operate in both men and women. This masculine-feminine interplay can occur between a man and a woman, between two men and between two women. Our erotic fantasies can be understood as stories symbolizing how these masculine and feminine energies are interacting and playing out in us and relate to some longing in our psycho-social-sexual-spiritual development.

To understand and integrate into consciousness the meaning of what the fantasy seeks to compensate or complete will often render it powerless of its compulsive and destructive behaviors. This integration will provide for a more appropriate expression of the authentic self and result in a greater sense of wholeness and a more complete and integrated expression of the masculine and feminine energies both inside us as a relationship to ourselves and within our external relationships.

Below is an exercise to help you explore the meaning of an erotic fantasy.

Write out one of your primary erotic fantasies. Circle the characters in your fantasy. Are they male or female, human or animal? What is the main action? Vaginal intercourse? Anal intercourse? Oral sex? Whipping and spanking? Tender and loving? Aggressive and dominating? What role do you play? What role do the others play in your fantasy? Are they subduing or being subdued? Controlling or being controlled?

 What is the most erotic part of this fantasy? Is it a body part? Which body part? What about that body part turns you on? Is it the action that turns you on? What turns you on the most? All the characters in your fantasy are parts of you, energy in you that have taken these forms to get a message to you. What parts do they represent? In each case, ask yourself, “if this is a part of me, what part might it be?” What wants to be validated? What wants to be worshipped? What part wants to worship you? What part wants to be penetrated? What wants to be created? What wants to be owned, embodied, lived?

 The partners, whether in actual sex or in fantasies, becomes the carrier of the soul images that longs for expression. Using your associations to the images in your fantasy and the answers to the above questions, write out the inner symbolic or spiritual meaning of your fantasy.

This material and exercise is taken from my book, The Other Man in Me, Erotic Longing, Lust and Love: The Soul Calling. To explore this topic in greater depth, I invite you to check out my book at https://www.amazon.com/Other-Man-Me-Longing-Calling/dp/1098334981/ref=sr_1_1