Making a Mixed-Orientation Marriage Work
Mixed-orientation marriages are marriages between partners of differing sexual orientations. Such marriages include asexual and sexual marriages where one partner either does not experience sexual desire or attraction or experiences low desire or attraction, bisexual and heterosexual marriages, marriages between homosexual and heterosexual partners and marriages between lesbians and heterosexual partners.
Studies found that common reasons for mixed-orientation marriages are “it seemed natural”, the “desire for children and a family life[1] and “spiritual identity.”[2] In my own journey I found that another reason for a mixed-orientation marriage may have to do with the spiritual identity of the “two-spirit.” From my book “. . . same-sex behaviors may in fact be part of a larger identity with a certain spirituality that their two-spirit nature puts them in touch with—an awareness of the value and unity of all things. Each must find his or her own soul’s expression. . . I suggest that pursuing and living our soul’s purpose is a more important part of our self-identity than who we are sexually attracted to or who we have sex with. . . My personal journey has brought me into agreement with the American Indian view that everything that exists is spiritual. Williams, in his admittedly generalized overview of American Indian religious values, says “[e]very object—plants, rocks, water, air, the moon, animals, humans, the earth itself—has a spirit. The spirit of one thing (including a human) is not superior to the spirit of any other. Such a view promotes a sophisticated ecological awareness of the place that humans have in the larger environment. . . Everything that exists has a purpose”. . . same-sex behavior is just one of the characteristics of the two-spirit person and is simply a part of their relationship to their spirit. . . [while] two-spirit men traditionally had sex with men, there are reports of two-spirit males marrying a woman in order to produce and raise children. . . the two-spirit is ultimately a reflection of spirituality.”[3]
Roughly one third of all mixed-orientation couple stay married. Open communication, the presence of children and the ability to expand their concept of sexual orientation to encompass dual attraction and to assume marital sex as a given are reasons given for the success of these marriages.[4] The most successful mixed-orientation marriages reassess their relationship in light of the sexual orientation[5] with some bisexual men expressing minimal conflict between their homosexual and heterosexual impulses within their mixed-orientation marriage, citing openness and communication being a key factor.[6]
Sometimes the decision to remain in a mixed-orientation marriage is about the soul's path and purpose, making peace with our masculine and feminine selves and living with our various sexual inclinations in a way that is congruent with the soul and the individual meaning of our lives.
My journey to make the decision to remain in a mixed-orientation marriage as an expression of my love for my wife, my children and my two-spirit nature and spiritual identity is detailed in my psycho-sexual-spiritual memoir, The Other Man in Me, Erotic Longing, Lust and Love: The Soul Calling. Discover how dreams can be a guide for the soul’s path regarding mixed-orientation marriages. Read about my book and download a free excerpt at https://www.sheldonshalley.com/book or purchase my book at https://www.amazon.com/Other-Man-Me-Longing-Calling/dp/1098334981 or https://store.bookbaby.com/book/the-other-man-in-me
[1] Daryl J. Higgins PhD (2002) Gay Men from Heterosexual Marriages, Journal of Homosexuality, 42: 4, 11 cited in https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mixed-orientation_marriage.
[2] Stack, Peggy Fletcher (August 5, 2006), “Gay, Mormon, married” (https://web.archive.org/web/20130621165041/http://www.sltrib.com/faith/ci_4138478), The Salt Lake Tribune, archived from the original (http://www.sltrib.com/faith/ci_4138478) on June 21, 2013 cited in https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mixed-orientation_marriage.
[3] Shalley, Sheldon. The Other Man in Me, Erotic Longing, Lust and Love: The Soul Calling, 427-449.
[4] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mixed-orientation_marriage. Retrieved June 25. 2021.
[5] Jerry J. Bigner, Joseph L. Wetchler Relationship therapy with same-sex couples (https://books.google.com/books?hl=en&lr=&id=tlefcYvSQ51C&oi=fnd&pg=PA95&dq=Buxton+Buxton+2001+marriage&ots=8tq13tlMs0&sig=qghluZ0FVrneQGOu4m-VQ-A2Mkw#v=onepage&q=Buxton%202001%20marriage&f=false) cited in https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mixed-orientation_marriage. Retrieved June 25, 2021.
[6] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mixed-orientation_marriage. Retrieved June 25, 2021.